Just imagine for a moment...
Remember that big family trip you took 5 years ago to the waterpark hotel, oh wait no you don't you were just recently told about it by your 8 year old niece.
Remember that Christmas play your son did at your church and how adorable he was singing away, oh nope can't remember that one either.
Remember your 10th Anniversary trip with your husband, nah not even a little bit.
Oh and when each of the boys had their 1st Birthdays and how they grabbed their cake and we all sang to them, hmmm nope don't recall (that one I can't even type without tearing up).
Imagine looking back at pictures of special events, BIG events like weddings, vacations, your children's plays and school programs and worst of all your children's Birthday's and having no recollection of ever being there. Imagine looking at pictures and having to ask where they are from and what you were doing there. I still very rarely look back at past pictures, it is just too hard and I end up in tears instead of reminiscing and having happy memories like I used to do.
When I went into the hospital and left with many memories gone forever I had no idea just how hard that would be. When your kids look at you and say "Hey, Mom remember when..." and you have to look at them and say "no, hun I am sorry but can you tell me all about it". Can you even fathom how heartbreaking that is. As I hold back my tears and listen to my 5 and 8 (now 9) year olds tell ME about our memories it is just a punch to the gut.
Sometimes it is interesting, when I hear funny stories again like it is the first time, or to hear things that happened that you forgot that are hurtful or sad and having to deal with what comes with that all over again.
The other night my husband and I watched a movie, a few minutes in he said we had already seen it, but for me it was brand new! I am a cheap date now, grab an old movie I have already seen and I am a happy girl lol! He asked me once why I laugh about it sometimes around other people and make light of it when he knows how hurtful this whole experience has been. I explained it was either that or cry, you can't cry over it all the time I have to try my best to accept it and laugh when I can!
My lost memories are really from after the kids were born on, it is pretty fascinating really, my memories before that are very vivid and many nights when I can't fall asleep they run through my head. I mean high school and college was fun and all (maybe a little too fun on occasion), but let's be honest some of those memories I wish I lost instead of ones with my kids ;) I have gone way back into my emails a few times about the adoption or other big things and it blows me away that I can lose such huge details. I know each day there will be something new I will be reminded of and may even have to be reminded of again because even though they are told to me they aren't in my memory bank anymore, they are just stories to me now.
My life will never be the same, I am a new me, can I accept that those memories are wiped away, I try, not much more I can do but try. Every. Single. Day. I have learned that life is short, memories are precious and taken advantage of. I have also learned that losing your memory can make it easy for people to use against you.
Here is what memory loss does NOT make me...
It does not make me stupid
It does not make me less of a person
It does not make my opinions have no value
It does not make what I know right now today untrue or invaluable
It does not give anyone the right to take advantage of or capitalize on this loss against me
More importantly, here is what I am so incredibly thankful for, spared were some of the most important memories of all. I can remember both of my boys birth's clearly and I can remember the day we got the call that we had a daughter waiting for us in S. Korea (I have to admit it is a bit sketchy, but I do have memories of that day). I do remember who people are, there are some people who I really only knew in passing that look familiar but I can't quite place them. I am also so thankful for the grace of many people in dealing with this unending time of me going "huh, when was that, what happened" and them being patient in explaining those memories. I know it must get old and tiring for them too, but for the most part I have only been met with loving kindness dealing with the loss. My husband and kids always find ways to bring humor into my daily stumbles down memory lane :) For that I am so grateful!
I am sure this won't be my last post on my memory, it is just scratching the surface. I could go on for days, it is what keeps me up most nights and effects me on so many levels that are hard to process so I imagine I will be trying to process them here.
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